If I am out of place, my woman is vulnerable. If she is out of place, I become exposed. So are you vulnerable or exposed ? Get back into your place, TODAY. HURRY at least one life is dependent on it.
"Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others" – Anonymous
- Seriously, You’re Not Having Sex?
- Fact: Abstinence is Impossible in 2013.
- Abstinence/Celibacy will keep you Single for the rest of your life.
- No Sex, No Thank You!
- No Sex, It’s Over.
- Without Sex, There is no future in this relationship.
OK, anyone of these titles would work. By the way, let me warn you…
if you hate stories that really get to issues and do not tend to hide or pretend then you won’t like this one. So please don’t read on.
If you rather act the part, maintain the facade, then absolutely this story isn’t for you. This is a real story, the frequency of which, honestly is alarming especially with the associated silence from many. Honestly, the silence is literally ‘killing’ many people. So this is a ‘wake-up’ call-kinda story; it is more than wake up actually it has a “DO-Something-Now” component to it and we must start within our walls.
“James and Sophie have been an item, romantically linked for less than six (6) months before the first sign of sexual tension surfaced, needless-to-say despite James best intentions…his raging hormones like an inferno wanted an outlet. Those desires eventually became to intense to bear or ignore…silently James had hope this relationship would be void of this tension considering both parties are committed Christians and really love the vision and mission of their local church yet when the chips are down, the struggles continue.
Eventually, James seemingly incapable of hiding those feelings mentioned to Sophie that they should do what is ‘necessary’ and ‘common’ to many to keep their relationship going and hopefully move it to the next level. That particular evening, as James uttered his sexual desires/feelings for Sophie and his rationale for compromising his stance, Sophie caught off guard could barely speak. Crying, sad and confused she drove home and a placed a call to a pastor for help.
Why are men so predictable? Why can’t even the best of them honor, appreciate a lady’s vow of celibacy. She lamented further that she had been very cautisous about her dress style, her actions, their interactions, disposition etc so as not to lead James on.
I was the Pastor she called and here is my response. Coincidentally, this was this week’s feature of “Ask pFlo” on Relationships Do Matter. (JOIN/Sign Up today)
My Initial Response:
Sophie; do not think for a second that you are alone or think that those who maintain a vow of celibacy are literally digging their ‘graves’ as some would have one believe in today’s culture. I am aware that this invariably sets a ‘soft’ limit on potential suitors because many guys today want to literally ‘eat’ their cake and have it.
Celibacy is commendable, spiritual and pleasing in God’s sight. It is indeed the fruit and choice of a disciple/faithful follower and I agree it’s not an easy choice.
As we spoke I realized that Sophie’s vow of celibacy has been an admitted challenge, a taboo of sorts and personally a source of pain because of two failed relationships due to the same sexual overtones and demands. What Sophie didn’t anticipate was a similar occurrence by an ‘insider’. She had hoped celibacy would be easier to manage with like minded friends and fellow believers. Coincidentally, what attracted Sophie to James was his strong stance on this issue during bible study. If there was anyone who could ‘stand’ and resist this prevalent temptation that is endemic to this generation it had to be James. His passion is contagious and humility amazing. So how could it be? James was handpicked…he is the ‘chosen’ one!!!
The story (modified slightly to protect identities) captures one of the most popular question I am asked during teaching sessions, conferences, workshops online and offline. So when this question was posed ‘again’ on Monday privately, I know it is the right time to speak up again. We’ve spent some hours expounding on this issue already on the Relationships Do Matter Facebook and Google Page (click on the links to follow/join in)
Sophie’s question is valid; “why me? What can I do ? Why are some of these Christian guys like the others? I don’t want to compromise my stand please help!
Now, More Comments:
If your initial response is the generic ‘dump him and God will provide your own, you are not saying anything new. She’s heard that 2 times already, recall she’s moved on from 2 previous relationships. So let me ask a rhetorical question, can we blame the other ladies/girls who so readily and easily give it up in hope that the guys will be satisfied and never leave? Or is it the guys fault that there are many girls willing to give it up? Hence preying on easy women ?
Or perhaps, the fear that by demanding celibacy, many will run off has paralyzed many ladies? I am aware that many who have taken a celibate stance especially ladies get laughed at by others who ‘give it up’ and are heading to the altar. Valid questions, real issues so what shall we say ?
Culled from the conversations (RDM chat conversations) -
Some have been unequivocal in their stance and position below -
Just keep praying to God to bring her a genuine born again Christian guy. A guy that will not make her to fall. A guy that will lead her spiritually. I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT, there are genuine Christians guys out there, she just need to pray more and God will lead her to the right guy for her.
PRAYER IS CRITICAL, BUT THERE ARE SOME ISSUES THAT ALSO REQUIRE WISDOM, COUNSEL and in some cases RUNNING SHOES.
Another said, while some guys profess to be Christians, they probably lack understanding of what it means to be truly saved. They need more teaching on what is acceptable and appropriate in relationships. A BIG AMEN TO THAT, LET THEM US CALL WE CAN HELP.
Someone said, it’s the society’s fault as well as the Church and the men in general. WELL MAYBE!
To respond to the issue of the Church, as a Pastor I know what that entails: The church is a ‘laundromat’ of sorts – everyone is welcome but it is a place where many are trained, developed, disciplined, built up in righteousness. I must state that there is a direct correlation between study and approval. Paul (a mentor) told Timothy (2Tim) to STUDY God’s word so that he could SHOW himself approved. However length of duration required varies, some who arrived heavily soiled/stained indeed need more time, treatment, mentoring etc and there are some who are less stained and do not deal with some of the other ‘issues’ others might have…but regardless we all must come to God for cleansing, healing and restoration since we are all sinners saved by GRACE. So what or who or where do we go from here?
Honestly, we are living in precarious times…
These times are challenging times with diverse variables: a permissive culture, easy women, desperate women, open society which are all products of time, changing time.
In this case, I will ask the lady to do the following:
- Remain hopeful and prayerful.
- Join Relationship Do Matter Global Network (details below on how to connect on Social Media)
- Remain committed to her stance to be celibate.
- Remain faithful to the Word of God and service in God’s house.
- Tell James he should attend the next Relationship Matters Workshop (Inquire further) to be mentored in accordance to Titus 2; “Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world”.
When I get the opportunity to chat with James,
I will remind him on some of these truths:
- 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 – Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
- James 4:17 – Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth [it] not, to him it is sin.
- Ephesians 6:10-18 – Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
- Hebrews 4:15 – For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as [we are, yet] without sin.
- Each man must learn to possess his own body with wisdom.
- Do not fall for the lie that your manhood is tied to how many women you’ve conquered.
- Obeying God (being celibate as a single) is very sexy.
- And ask him to memorize the popular song, “If you love me, you will wait for me”, because TRUE LOVE waits.
So do you agree, what else will you say to Sophie, James and others…
“Broken glasses sounding like clanging cymbals, high pitched cries for help, ultimately armed robbers attack: those were hurried thoughts yesterday night as I hurriedly put off my light, switch off my phone and lock the doors. In retrospect, those first responses were not enough to wade off armed robbers, if they were the ones in my compound. Few people think clearly when emergent situations arise!
Moments later, I herd co-tenant voices so I steeped out. Under the weight of my foot, we’re broken glasses, apparently from the window panes upstairs. Mustered a few words of prayers as I was just in the same spot some minutes earlier. A little delay, those glades would be directly on my head! Some clusters of people already gathered. So what was the noise all about?
Read the rest of this story here: http://seunfakze.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/marital-bliss-or-bs-by-seunfakze/
Remember Relationships Do Matter
Time is running out. Year after year, the young are getting old and the old are getting older – day by day, a minute at a time!
But part of growing old is asking questions that peel back the layers of reason and logic.
In today’s fast-paced world of tight and gruesome schedules, demanding routines, long ‘grocery’ lists, huge deals, giant
leaps, and great gains. But at what price? It does appear we gain so little, yet lose so much. It is still a GAIN some insist but let me submit to you what it is,
A Negative Gain. When you add it up, you lose.
Let me clarify what Negative Gain is. Negative Gain is making it big alone, with no one to celebrate with you.
Negative Gain is external success with internal failures.
Negative Gain is a beautiful exterior with a decaying interior.
Negative Gain is smart compromises but lost ideals.
Negative Gain is gaining the world and losing one’s soul.
Negative Gain is like successful couples with abandoned children or an unhappy marriage.
Negative Gain is akin to an individual giving ‘all’ in hope of retaining, but losing it all.
Negative Gain is knowing so much, yet applying so little.
Negative Gain is the accumulation of accolades, but the conspicuous loss and/or absence of family and good friends.
Negative Gain is the accumulation of life’s goods and treasures with an empty soul.
Negative Gain is a gigantic loss.
Question: Let me ask you a simple question, “What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What
could you ever trade your soul for? What is your soul worth?” Matthew 16:26 Message Version
Check this video out:
It is easy to get busy. It is easy to lose sight of what’s really important.
It is easy to keep running, to keep chasing, to keep grasping, to keep fighting, to keep demanding.
It is easy to maintain the status-quo, ignore the ‘check-engine’ light and keep racking up the score.
It is easy to focus on others to the detriment of your self.
It is easy to become a shadow of your vibrant, determined, focused and passionate self.
It is easy to adapt to compromises to the detriment of your conscience.
I have been at sickbeds. I have heard from people before their final ‘cross-overs.’ I have been told life is never about the ‘GAINS,’ the ‘toys,’ or the trophies.
Perhaps rightly so consider a popular anonymous quote, ‘the best things in life are really not things’. Those ‘things’ are intangibles – love, family, friendships and most importantly faith.
So what’s your soul worth?
Culled from ‘Get Off Your Duff’ By ‘Flo Falayi (Published Dec. 2010)
Image Source: lovingmyground.tumblr.com
It’s starting to feel like Spring. I hope and trust this meets you well. This is a follow up to our conversation about your journey, yep that ‘relationship’ journey filled with its numerous challenges and fun. LOL! I understand the expectations, the dos and don’ts’. Does it get easier, you ask?
Well, I know how you feel. I really do feel your pain; you’re struggling, pressured, overwhelmed and frustrated. I sense your desire to give up, you’ve said it numerous times that it’s probably better to be average than go all out. You posit that it’s easier that way; easier to deal with anguish, disappointments, failures and intermittent victories if you are average. Maybe it won’t hurt that much…
If I can just be honest for a moment, average and it’s dull amber lights teases you to succumb to it’s lies, it’s easy it seems considering how common and popular it is. I do admit that there is a tendency to assume here and as I speak to others just like you, there is no denying the fact that this is one of the biggest issues many singles face daily. The monster called peer pressure, the pressure to succumb to the majority, to fit in and to be accepted.
Can we just talk ? Can I be frank?
Why bother you ask?
Why bother confronting average, a state many would rather assume is ideal?
Why be different when it’s easier to blend in?
Well, before you tune me out understand that isn’t about the past; our past is past but about the wondrous opportunities in our future. Ever since I met Grace, my perspective has changed. For this ‘Grace’ in the book of Titus 2, verse 11- 15 appeared with an agenda for mankind and quickly became to teach all what and how to deny, embrace, accept, adopt and display. See in my line of work mentoring, counseling and raising singles and leaders, I have realized it’s not about ease or convenience but obedience.
The injunction to stand out is not convenient at all.
You know this much don’t you?
- It has never been easy to walk by faith in this generation and culture.
- It has never been easy to live righteously.
- It has never been easy to make a difference.
- It has never been easy to do what God‘s word requires, demands, expects, commands and instructs.
Honestly, it has never been easy, so forget easy. It’s always been by Grace.
Join me for an hour long free tele-conference, it’s an hour long ‘Not for the faint of heart’, Sex & Single Conversation where all singles, Christ followers are challenged to step up and set a new standard for this generation! Don’t hide, don’t give in, don’t dismiss it…issues, questions and much more. I know you’ve got many questions and I think we better talk. Check it out first, keep your opinions at bay, click here – http://eepurl.com/jRyW5
PS: Some of the lessons for a successful relationship include numerous biblical insights, quotes, ideas with an appreciation of both sexes, male and female as well as wise counsel from my mentors who paved the way. These insights are in my new book, ‘Relationships Do Matter’ and from which I will be sharing with you on the free conference call. So what are you waiting for?
For LADIES only…you’ve asked for it and here you go. A personalized workshop for ladies titled ‘Ring It’ Workshop starts next week, right after Valentines‘ Day. If you’ve already registered, confirmation emails have been sent and if you haven’t received yours, please email relationshipmatters.
A few slots are available, get yours now before it’s full. This will transform your life. Divine wisdom will differentiate you this year and lead to a different YOU!
You’ve got to do something you’ve never done to experience something you’ve never had. Stop playing & guessing ladies, it’s time!
Register here: http://eepurl.com/ipP2g
f/ Events by Relationship Matters.
It’s Friday, Thank God!
Count down fever ? Not Here!!!
By the way, do let me know what you think about my top 10 love quotes.
Freely share yours and who knows maybe it will make my list in 2013.
Without much ado, here is #4: “Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,
until the time is ripe—and you’re ready.” SOS 3:5b MSG
Read the summary below to understand the context and appreciate the agony, passion, sacrifice, demand, feelings and intensity of a wife in love…
“Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover.
I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful.
So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way!
I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city. “Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love.
I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire. Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready.”
Interesting right ? I guess so.
The second half on the journey of favorite top 10 love quotes has begun.
- To love is to see the invisible.
- To love is to capture the supernatural.
- To love is to venture into the realm of possibilities.
Here is #5:
“Whoso loves believes the impossible.” -Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Indeed, love makes all impossibilities, possible.
Love is in the air, each one of us has a unique responsibility to guard and protect love so that it doesn’t wane. Here is the next quote on my list of favorite love quotes. Remember a love dose a day, keeps fear, hate, sorrow away. Feel free to share yours too by the way. #love rules.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” – Anais Nin
Love is in the air…it should be everyday anyway but here are some of my favorite, sound quotes on Love. A love dose a day keeps fear, hate, sorrow away. Feel free to share yours too by the way. #love rules.
#10: “Love is the total absence of fear. Love asks no questions. Its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement. -Gerald Jampolsky”
Is this possible we might have found the missing relationship misnomer ?
Is it possible the men and women are looking at each other incorrectly ?
Is it possible that we’ve got our peculiarities and differences tangled up ?
You don’t say!
Or is it possible men are just so confused by what they think women want they themselves have it twisted ? Well, regardless of how far the pendulum has swung, let’s make it right.
Now, read this excerpt I found in my draft box this morning, SLOWLY.
“A woman would be much better off if she could distinguish the difference between a man that flatters her and a man that compliments her. A man that spends money on her and a man who invests in her. A man that views her as property and a man that views her properly. A man that lusts after her and a man that loves her. A man that believes he is God‘s gift to women and a man that REMEMBERS a woman was God’s gift to man.” – Anon
So what do you think ?