It was a simple post on Relationships Do Matter page, it seemed at first but upon reading it- Unfortunate, avoidable and painful are some of the words that only remotely describe this story. Before you read my response below, read the story here: http://nubianwaters.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/and-so-the-cookie-crumbles/
‘Tade’, there is no doubt that you are in a confused state and sincerely you are going to need a spiritually sound, culturally aware and honest relationship counsellor/pastor to help you navigate this marriage/relationship maze. While we wait for you to engage a pastor, I would encourage you to prepare to face the truth, embrace and start living in the truth. It’s a very popular truth that the power of sin lies in it’s secrecy and yes, it’s very hard to confront the truth but it is the only way forward. The scriptures (John 8:32) says, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” It is true, only the truth shall set you free. Your story is one of a weak marital foundation. It is weakened, damaged and the couple’s involvement as well as commitment can reverse the natural progression of decay. I have seen and heard of miracles, I believe in them.
Rewind: If I could undo the past, I wish you had stood your ground (respectfully) before your parents and expressed your viewpoint. This is a stance that would have been under guarded with prayers as your affection for Ejiro might be misconstrued especially if there are cultural or religious dimensions to your love choice. Do understand that parents, OK some parents insist on ‘arranged marriages’ because that’s what some of them were exposed to and for them it worked. There are also others who make these marital arrangements (aka deals) to preserve their societal influence and position. Indeed some maintain this outlook as a means of demonstrating their affection and ensuring their precious daughters are adequately provided for and protected in life. Honestly, I wish we had this conversation (even if via the Relationships Do Matter Group Page)…anyway, that’s the past now.
Marriage is unique, it has a way of testing our convictions and exposing our deepest intents. Over time, hidden emotions do bubble to the surface with their unannounced arrival at your most vulnerable moments. See ‘the past’ shouldn’t be frivolously dismissed, such events and ‘open doors’ should have been shut prayerfully and consciously.
We’ve got enough blame to go around; forceful parents, societal and cultural pressures, judgment lapse, betrayal, available and beautiful assistants or PAs, the stress of a career, emotional distance etc but I won’t focus on those now but on your questions.
Your questions are confusing because we don’t know the ‘full’ story but before we answer any of those questions, I must ask you mine, are you married? Your response is the vital key on this journey.